It Was the Squirrels
“I don’t understand.” Breka’s fearsome orc face was scrunched up in confusion.
Torin leaned forward. His fingers steepled exactly like Dad’s whenever he regaled us kids with the history of some dead culture we’d never heard of. This was going to be interesting. “If I understood correctly, the human parents would send their kids out one night a year at dusk.” He glanced at me for confirmation, but didn’t wait for a response before he continued. “...with their identities hidden behind masks so they wouldn’t know who was begging for food…”
“Candy,” I corrected.
“Sweets? They didn’t want any vegetables? Bread even?” Venn asked.
Torin raised his voice. “And if they didn’t give the children… candy, you threw paper meant for wiping oneself in the necessary in their trees.” He gave me a stern look. An indictment of the entire human race.
I threw my hands up in defense. “Those rules were set way before I was born.”
“Still.” Breka shook her head, clearly joining the prosecution’s side.
I slumped back in my lawn chair and stretched my legs out toward the fire. October 31 in Washington, DC was chilly.
My brother, Caleb, strolled out of the back door to join us, laughing the entire way. “Are you trying to explain Halloween to them?” he asked me.
“For my sins, yes.”
“Well, you’ve got the fire going. Why aren’t you telling spooky stories?” He took a long pull of his beer and stared into the fire, mouth quirked up at the corner.
Fenlo’s excitement almost propelled him out of his seat. “Oh, Hedy. What’s a spooky story?” It is impossible to disappoint an adorable gnome with a button nose. Except, I couldn’t think of a single thing. I looked at Caleb, the only human in the group, for inspiration.
“Tell them the story that scared you the most from when we were kids,” he said.
“Oh.” I shuddered. “The flying monkeys.”
“Not that one.” He smiled at me evilly. No. Don’t say it. “You know.”
I shot to the edge of my seat to stop him. “Okay, Fenlo, I’ll tell you all about the flying monkeys and the witch that got melted by water.” I wagged my eyebrows.
“Water?” Skepticism writ large across Breka’s face.
“What’s a witch?” Fenlo asked breathlessly.
“Hey, who ate the last of the rice crispy treats?” I don’t know if all hobgoblins needed snacks to function, but Venn did.
“Water is not capable of melting a person, no matter what a witch is,” Torin said.
“Not that one,” Caleb said over the fracas. “Willy Wonka’s Boat.” It dropped like a penny in the ocean. I actually felt the ripples hit me.
“You were afraid of a boat?” Venn.
“Willy Wonka. Who’s he?” Fenlo.
Images of swirling color and Gene Wilder singing maniacally caused sweat to start on the back of my neck. “I was six,” I huffed.
“Nine. You slept with the lights on for a week.” Caleb was so helpful. I had another brother. Killing this one wouldn’t be any big thing. “Oh.” He slapped his thigh. “...and when Myles set that strobe light in the hall.” He howled with laughter.
I’d forgotten about that strobe light. I held my hand up to stop the madness. “Fine. Just.” I waited for Caleb to get himself under control and for Venn to get back with snacks.
Once everyone’s mouths were busy on treats, I started. “There was this bo—no. Wait. Let me start over. Willy Wonka is taking these kids on a tour of his chocolate factory. After the kid got sucked up the tube…”
“Willy Wonka killed a kid?” Fenlo was scandalized.
“No. He wasn’t dead. He fell into the chocolate river, which is where the boat comes in, and he got sucked up a tube.”
“This story. It’s for children?” Venn wanted to know.
“Family classic!” Caleb beamed.
“Where were the parents?” Breka was indignant.
“His mom was there. The Oompa Loompas…”
“What’s an oooom...”
“Oompa Loompa. They were Willy Wonka’s little helpers. They’re a little bigger than you, Fenlo, but orange.”
“And they sing in rhyming verse,” Caleb said helpfully.
“Right. The Oompa Loompas came and sang a song as they took the mom off to help find the kid somewhere else in the factory. Anyway… that’s when the rest of them got in the boat.”
“Wait. No one else was worried this Willy Wonka was going to kidnap the other kids?”
“How many kids are we talking?”
Caleb chuckled so I threw him a dirty look. “He wasn’t kidnapping anyone. There were five to start. At this point, when the boat comes to get them, they’re down to four.” They were all looking at each other, then Caleb. A loud pop came from the firepit. I inhaled and tried again. “The boat has to go through this tunnel to get to the next room in the factory.”
“What kid gets taken there?”
“Do they all survive the boat trip?”
I growled.
Venn reached over and grabbed Torin’s arm. “Doesn’t this Willy Wonka remind you of Bliezig?”
“The ogre? No. A little. Continue, Hedy. What tragedy befalls the rest of those innocent children.”
“You can’t know it’s all tragic endings for them,” Breka admonished.
“They weren’t particularly innocent,” clarified Caleb. All the heads pivoted his way, then in true tennis match fashion, swiveled back to me.
I heaved a sigh. “It’s a story about rotten kids getting their comeuppance…”
“Except Charlie.”
“Yes, thank you, Caleb. Except the one kid, Charlie, who is a good kid and gets the prize.”
“What prize?”
“So it was tragic for all of them.”
“You were right, Torin. What did the Oompa Loompas do to the kids?”
“The prize was the chocolate factory, Fenlo. And the Oompa, never mind. Augustus wouldn’t stop eating, so he got sucked up the tube.” Ahs and nods. “Mike watched too much TV so he got shrunk, and Violet chewed gum so she got turned into a blueberry.”
“For chewing?”
“What’s gum?”
“How does one watch too many teleportation vehicles?”
“And,” I raised my voice, “Veruca was impatient—and greedy, really—so she was dropped down a trash chute.”
“Where are the parents in all this?” Breka was getting irate.
“The orange guys threw her down a trash chute?” Venn was appalled.
“Depends on which version of the story. Originally, she stood on a machine and got dropped. Then, in the remake, it was the squirrels. She was a bad egg or nut, depending.”
“But in both, the Oompa Loompas sang a really catchy song each time,” Caleb added.
“They had songs prepared BEFORE the kids got taken?”
“The kids weren’t taken!”
“Wait. Kids are being sucked up tubes, shrunk, transmuted into fruit, and thrown away.” Torin stared at me intensely across the fire. “And you were afraid of the boat?”
“IT WASN’T THE BOAT! IT WAS THE SONG!” I finally got them all to stop talking. Except now I felt bad.
“Squirrels that decide to throw a kid down a trash chute sound scarier,” Fenlo mused.
I gave up. “More rice crispy treats?” I asked as a peace offering.
“Happy Halloween.” Caleb toasted me with his beer.